Valiant Attempts Part 3.

Good greetings and salutations, well met sir. Also hello.

I thought I’d start by talking a little about the effort that’s put in to bring this unsavoury publication to your lips, and without further ado I shall do so. The first stage, preparatory to writing, is The Search. We spend up to and including Ten Days searching and researching our subject matter for each instalment, we then spend a further three days meditating upon the precise meaning of all that we have learnt. Once we have fully absorbed the whole essence of the blog, we chant for three minutes and then start typing to the accompaniment of a Cliff Richard record or two. Here Exhibit A shows Tom and Henry sweating over two hot laptops and taking it in turns to type a letter each. This both doubles our over all type rate and pokes fun at The Man simultaneously.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit A.

Note the concerned concentration on their faces, studious yet scared, fearful of the wrath that may ensue if they fail at their venture.

Exhibit B clearly shows me at my desk using two computers synchronously. This is illegal in some countries, yet under this post war regime it remains commonplace. Blog-sweatshops all over The Dalston are emerging, employing children sometimes as young as eight to work many PCs simultaneously.

Caption? Now you're talking.

Caption? Now you're talking.

Finally, once the words have been typied, the photos have been inserted and the links and whathaveyou have been added, we are ready to go to press. So it is, with a heavy heart, that I hope you read on in jaunty admiration and mild glee.


Here I am again, licking the walls in despair at the humble cow. We’ve been busy, as you may imagine. Recently we have done nothing. This is not strictly true, but we’ve barely left the house. We’ve been banging our heads against the brickwork, sampling the sound it makes, realising it sounds shit and then banging our heads against said masonry again – this time out of sheer frustration. This is not strictly true either, we’re making progress and think we’re about on target to be finished with recording and arranging by the end of December. This puts us on track to go into a month of post-production in January. In other news, here is a ceiling of bones:

The house that Jack built.

Is it Art? Or a Total Lack Of Beef?

The bones signify a Lack Of Beef, which is what you’re experiencing now, a Total Lack Of Beef. This is because we have not yet brought you The Beef, but we will…

…In The Meantime…

Wrap your chops round this:

Fun and dancing somehow merged together to make fundancing I’m sure you’ll agree. Cheers to Jeffo for finding that clip.

My friend Lucien Digell makes fat beats. Below is a photo of some of his vinyl collection. This is only a small fragment of the whole thing, from which he samples a great deal to create “Lazy energy” as he’s obsessed with calling it, always going on about bloody Lazy Energy he is. Anyway, either click his name to sample his aural delights for yourself or check out his rapping on Will Don’t Know by Mysterons, which is one of my favourite tracks ever.

Part of the vinyl stash at Digwell Towers.

Part of the vinyl stash at Digwell Towers.

Another friend of mine Bastien Keb makes beautiful acoustic stuff on guitar, banjo, keyboard, organ, accordion, eukelele and anything else he fancies. It’s amazing. Click his name and listen to him now. Gypsy Grandad Shuffle is one of my favourites and reminds me a bit of instrumental Tom Waits.


We’ve just been enjoying this video of The Stranglers’ Golden Brown.

See you then,

Fred x

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